|
web counter
Warning
Signs of Abuse
"Many
people are interested in signs to predict whether they are about to become
involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that
are seen in people who abuse their partners.
If
the person has several of these behaviors (three or more) there is a strong
potential for violence in the relationship. The more signs a person has, the
more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have only a
couple of behaviors that the partner can recognize, but they are very
exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her
love and concern, and a partner may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the
behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner)."
Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is
a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of
possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about
who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of flirting, or be jealous of time s/he
spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser
may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner
may refuse to let their partner work or even volunteer for services like Red
Cross for fear she will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or
your cell phone for calls and text-messages in his absence.
Controlling
Behavior: At first, the abuser will say this behavior is because he is
concerned for the victim's safety, she needs to use her time well, or she needs
to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the partner is
"late" coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will
question the partner closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this
behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions
about the house, what to wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the
money or even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
Unrealistic
Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs;
he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The
abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all
you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is supposed to
take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
Isolation:
The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the
victim has friends of the opposite sex, she is "fooling around." If
she has same sex friends, she is "homosexual." If she is close to
family, she is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people
who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The abuser may
want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let their partner use a
car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the victim from
working or going to school.
Blames
Others For Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed or getting in
trouble all the time at work, someone is always doing him wrong, or is out to
get him. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting
him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the
partner she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames
Others for Feelings: An abuser will tell the partner "you make me
mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,"
" I can not help being angry." He really makes the decision about
what he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner.
Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you
control how I feel."
Hypersensitivity:
An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his feelings are "hurt"
when really he is very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal
attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice
of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being
asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is
annoying, being asked to help with chores.
Quick
Involvement: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for
less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The
abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only
person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by
anyone." He will pressure the potential partner to commit to the
relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that
she is "letting them down" if she wants to slow down involvement or
break it off.
Cruelty
to Animals or Children: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive
to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable for doing
things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he
may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may
not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all
evening while he is home.
"Playful"
Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and
hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the
partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of
rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the partner wants to
have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The
abuser may start having sex with the partner while she is sleeping, or demand
sex when she is ill or tired.
Verbal
Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful,
this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her, running
down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that she is
stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the partner
up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser's
"sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has some special
mental problem because one minute he is nice and the next he is exploding.
Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and
these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
Past
Battering: This person may say he has hit others in the past, but they made him
do it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the
person is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner
is with him long enough for the violence to begin.
Threats
of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control
the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I will kill you,"
"I will break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates,
but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like
that."
Breaking
or Striking Objects: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved
possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The
abuser may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects around or near the
partner. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of
extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks
they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
Any
Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down,
physically restraining her from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They
may hold the victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to
me!"
Rigid
Sex Roles: The abuser expects the
partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner must stay at home, that
she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. In
heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as inferior to men,
responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a
relationship.
Journal
and record everything your abuser does. Report everything to the Police.
Nothing is to small to report and remember, keep a record and tell a friend.
Warning Signs of
Abuse
"Many
people are interested in signs to predict whether they are about to become
involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that
are seen in people who abuse their partners.
If
the person has several of these behaviors (three or more) there is a strong
potential for violence in the relationship. The more signs a person has, the
more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have only a
couple of behaviors that the partner can recognize, but they are very
exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her
love and concern, and a partner may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the
behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner)."
Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is
a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of
possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about
who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of flirting, or be jealous of time s/he
spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser
may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner
may refuse to let their partner work or even volunteer for services like Red
Cross for fear she will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or
your cell phone for calls and text-messages in his absence.
Controlling
Behavior: At first, the abuser will say this behavior is because he is
concerned for the victim's safety, she needs to use her time well, or she needs
to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the partner is
"late" coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will
question the partner closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this
behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions
about the house, what to wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the
money or even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
Unrealistic
Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs;
he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The
abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all
you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is supposed to
take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
Isolation:
The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the
victim has friends of the opposite sex, she is "fooling around." If
she has same sex friends, she is "homosexual." If she is close to
family, she is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people
who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The abuser may
want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let their partner use a
car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the victim from
working or going to school.
Blames
Others For Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed or getting in
trouble all the time at work, someone is always doing him wrong, or is out to
get him. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting
him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the
partner she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames
Others for Feelings: An abuser will tell the partner "you make me
mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,"
" I can not help being angry." He really makes the decision about
what he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner.
Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you
control how I feel."
Hypersensitivity:
An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his feelings are "hurt"
when really he is very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal
attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice
of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being
asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is
annoying, being asked to help with chores.
Quick
Involvement: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for
less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The
abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only
person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by
anyone." He will pressure the potential partner to commit to the
relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that
she is "letting them down" if she wants to slow down involvement or
break it off.
Cruelty
to Animals or Children: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive
to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable for doing
things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he
may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may
not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all
evening while he is home.
"Playful"
Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and
hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the
partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of
rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the partner wants to
have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The
abuser may start having sex with the partner while she is sleeping, or demand
sex when she is ill or tired.
Verbal
Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful,
this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her, running
down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that she is
stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the partner
up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser's
"sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has some special
mental problem because one minute he is nice and the next he is exploding.
Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and
these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
Past
Battering: This person may say he has hit others in the past, but they made him
do it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the
person is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner
is with him long enough for the violence to begin.
Threats
of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control
the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I will kill you,"
"I will break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates,
but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like
that."
Breaking
or Striking Objects: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved
possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The
abuser may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects around or near the
partner. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of
extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks
they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
Any
Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down,
physically restraining her from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They
may hold the victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to
me!"
Rigid Sex Roles:
The abuser expects the partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner
must stay at home, that she must obey in all things - even things that are
criminal in nature. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as
inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole
person without a relationship.
Journal
and record everything your abuser does. Report everything to the Police.
Nothing is to small to report and remember, keep a record and tell a friend.
.
Warning
Signs of Abuse
"Many
people are interested in signs to predict whether they are about to become
involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that
are seen in people who abuse their partners.
If
the person has several of these behaviors (three or more) there is a strong
potential for violence in the relationship. The more signs a person has, the
more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have only a
couple of behaviors that the partner can recognize, but they are very
exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her
love and concern, and a partner may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the
behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner)."
Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is
a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of
possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the partner about
who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of flirting, or be jealous of time s/he
spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser
may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner
may refuse to let their partner work or even volunteer for services like Red
Cross for fear she will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or
your cell phone for calls and text-messages in his absence.
Controlling
Behavior: At first, the abuser will say this behavior is because he is
concerned for the victim's safety, she needs to use her time well, or she needs
to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the partner is
"late" coming back from the store or an appointment. The abuser will
question the partner closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this
behavior worsens, the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions
about the house, what to wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the
money or even make the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
Unrealistic
Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs;
he expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The
abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I am all
you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is supposed to
take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
Isolation:
The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the
victim has friends of the opposite sex, she is "fooling around." If
she has same sex friends, she is "homosexual." If she is close to
family, she is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people
who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The abuser may
want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let their partner use a
car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the victim from
working or going to school.
Blames
Others For Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed or getting in
trouble all the time at work, someone is always doing him wrong, or is out to
get him. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting
him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the
partner she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames
Others for Feelings: An abuser will tell the partner "you make me
mad," "you are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,"
" I can not help being angry." He really makes the decision about
what he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner.
Harder to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you
control how I feel."
Hypersensitivity:
An abuser is easily insulted, and will claim his feelings are "hurt"
when really he is very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal
attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the injustice
of things that have happened that are really just part of living like being
asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is
annoying, being asked to help with chores.
Quick
Involvement: Many victims of domestic violence dated or knew their abuser for
less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The
abusive partner comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only
person I could ever talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by
anyone." He will pressure the potential partner to commit to the
relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that
she is "letting them down" if she wants to slow down involvement or
break it off.
Cruelty
to Animals or Children: Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive
to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable for doing
things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he
may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may
not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all
evening while he is home.
"Playful"
Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and
hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the
partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know that the idea of
rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the partner wants to
have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The
abuser may start having sex with the partner while she is sleeping, or demand
sex when she is ill or tired.
Verbal
Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful,
this can be seen when the abuser degrades the partner, cursing her, running
down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that she is
stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the partner
up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many victims are confused by their abuser's
"sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has some special
mental problem because one minute he is nice and the next he is exploding.
Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and
these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
Past
Battering: This person may say he has hit others in the past, but they made him
do it. The partner may hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the
person is abusive. An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner
is with him long enough for the violence to begin.
Threats
of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control
the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I will kill you,"
"I will break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates,
but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like
that."
Breaking
or Striking Objects: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved
possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into submission. The
abuser may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects around or near the
partner. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of
extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks
they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
Any
Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding the partner down,
physically restraining her from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They
may hold the victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to
me!"
Rigid
Sex Roles: The abuser expects the
partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner must stay at home, that
she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. In
heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as inferior to men,
responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a
relationship.
Journal
and record everything your abuser does. Report everything to the Police.
Nothing is to small to report and remember, keep a record and tell a friend.
|
