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Everything will work out when you get married. The Bride Story evolved
from my memories of the first and only doll my father gave to me. There is a
story about how I got this doll involving bribery and manipulation on my
father’s part, but I really wanted this doll, so I performed in a show at our
Synagogue, when I was really scared, at the age of 5, in order to get this
doll. At least my Dad held up his end of the bargain and bought me this lovely
doll, which I still have. Bribery and manipulation was all my Father knew. It’s
the best he could do, and he did make good on his promise. The doll was more
beautiful than I ever imagined. The Bride itself is such a loaded concept. The
story of forever after perfect love that often ends in disappointment and
tragedy is truly sad. Little girls are raised to believe that marriage will
solve their problems, when in reality, it often just creates many problems.
When I was a little, I would often go to my mother with a seemingly
insurmountable problem and ask her what to do. Her answer to me was often
something like, this is no big deal, --- everything will work out when you get
married. I believed this fairy tale. I made this doll to explore this big myth.
My mother certainly fell for it and she assumed I would fall for it, too. And I
did fall for it, getting married at a very young age, to a kind, but immature
young man. We stayed married for 34 years, until the day when he said to me,
while I was in the hospital being treated for clinical depression, that he no
longer wanted to be married to me. I believe that I was depressed in the first
place, because I was married to him, a man who was insecure, childlike and
needy. We didn’t know how to communicate and drifted apart over the years.
Eventually, he became verbally abusive, and since I didn’t know any better or
believe that I would be able to take care of myself in the world, I put up with
this treatment for many years, allowing myself to be yelled at, berated, and
generally putting up with childish behavior. Still, when he told me that he no
longer wanted to be married, I went into shock. After I came home from the
hospital, he pretty much ignored me and refused to go to counseling with me,
telling me that he had given up on me, that I would never change. Later, I
found out that he had had an affair while I was in the hospital. I felt so
betrayed, angry, and hurt. Mostly I felt like a fool. In spite of our
difficulties, I had held onto the illusion that he was my best friend. He also
confided in our daughter, who I loved dearly, about me and what problems I was
causing him to the point where she sided with him and she became mean to me.
This hurt more than anything, that he took my daughter away from me with his
stories about me, getting her to feel sorry for hiim. The last time I saw her
and tried to talk to her, she called me a lunatic. I’m not a lunatic. In fact,
I think I’m the only sane one in the family. So, I had to leave the house. I
just packed some bags and stayed in hotels until I found an apartment. I also
met another man who was so supportive and stayed with me. He’s still with me,
as I plow through this divorce, becoming stronger and more independent, the
longer I stay away from my home. He makes me laugh a lot. I don’t think I’ve
laughed much in 20 years. He also pays attention to me and says I’m beautiful.
No one said that I was beautiful before. I feel truly loved now. The truth is
my home wasn’t my real home anymore. My husband and daughter had become such
close buddies, leaving me out of whatever they did, that I felt like someone in
the way, an outsider in my own house. My daughter had started bossing me around
in my own home. I wish I had told her to leave, but I always tried to keep the
peace and “be nice.” That whole thing of “being nice” is total bullshit. I bent
over backwards for her and sacrificed so much for her for 20 years and she now
dumps me, too, refusing to even speak to me. So, getting married, and having a
baby, is not the answer to loneliness, or life’s problems. . Life is difficult,
hard work and full of hard earned lessons. There is NO KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
on his way to rescue you and give you eternal bliss. There is only you and your
life experiences. Your choices and your actions and your ability to look inside
are the only things that will make you happy. No one on the outside of you can
make you okay. I learned this the hard way. But now I’m off all
antidepressants, enjoying a new relationship, and will not be going to any
mental hospitals in the future. My therapist tells me that what I really needed
was a week in a resort spa place to get away from the stress in my house. But I
really thought I had a clinical depression. I didn’t know that I was depressed
from being in a miserable marriage and from allowing myself to be mistreated.
Now, when I get my divorce settlement, I’ll be heading off to one of those spa
resorts to get pampered and fed wonderful health food, and do yoga. Finally, I
can relax and enjoy my life. He did me a great big favor, ending this marriage.
Now I’m grateful and looking forward to an interesting and fulfilling future.
ps: I don’t have to listen to football on the television, ever again. Life is
good, I'm finally happy!
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